Christina's...

 This week is really sucking.
Monday, I had the day off. I wake up, and of course relish it. Save for I notice right underneath my eye, it is kind of sore - only when I rub it.
Tuesday, I wake up - and it is puffy. Almost like I took a punch or smack to it. Yay. I'm leaving for work, and get a call saying I need to go pick up my niece; she just puked on herself. So I get to miss work, and stay home taking care of her.
I get to miss work tomorrow to take care of her as well.
Which means I've got to work on my thursday day off; which I'd already made plans for. To see a friend from High School; whom I've not seen in years. Joyous. RIGHT>!

Now I'm just tired, and bored beyond belief.
Plus there is the whole mess which I just don't want to talk or think about anymore. But I can't really help it.
I tried to get a clear concise picture on where things stood at the end of last week- that didn't happen.
They had a fantastic weekend, while I got to dwell upon the mess.
Then it gets even murkier, and I try to again get a clear standing - to no avail.
Which I will take the absence of a response to mean that its over and done with.

I prefer closure much more to murky messes.
I create messes on my own quite well; too much to ask for everyone else to be nice and tidy? Haha.

A few comments stuck to me, and kind of made me really see things. And my initial prerogative was to really be optimistic and have fun with everything.
Then I got extremely pissed at the notion that there was even the demand to be such a person, and change - even though they "did not want a god damn thing from me". If so, then why do you want me to change so drastically?
Why can't I just be accepted for who I am?

If I am going to change, it will happen because I want it to happen. Not because you demand it.

It seems to be a popular thought, that females play mind games and such. Hah. Lesson for those whom think that. Everyone is fucked up, it has no special bearing to what your sex is.

I'm extremely over it at this point; yet I seem to have this sick and twisted desire to try and hold on to it. Even though I'm quite sure it is beyond fixing.

What is left? What exactly is there?
Everything I think got pushed upon my shoulders.
Fine. So what.
Not new. 
I take blame, but I should not have to shoulder it all.
Everything is a two way street; and there is never one side to anything.
The word 'side' alone implies multiple.

I should be going to sleep here, since I've got to get up earlier than usual tomorrow; and must be some semblance of coherent. 

 What the fuck do you people want from me?

You accuse me, and state that I'm a frigid bitch. Jaded. Closed off... etc.
How IS THAT ANYTHING NEW?

When I do open up, what happens?
You stomp and trample over those emotions.

So what, I'm just supposed to automatically lay my heart and emotions at your feet, so you can continually trample over and destroy?
Give me a fucking break. Or atleast give me a stiff drink first, or a few. So I don't realize it until much later.

I know I'm not perfect, and I know I've got my own issues. But who the hell doesn't?
At least I try, sometimes.

A fucking broken record, this is.
I have learned nothing.

 I am pretty darn sure that I haven't fallen into an alternate reality, or have suddenyl gone crazy, or completely lost my mind.

"And honestly, in the last several months you've changed a lot. We used to be able to hang out, talk for a long time, and do whatever. But you've become so closed off, cold, argumentative, and frigid, that it's not enjoyable anymore, so I've decided to distance myself. I try to get close and talk, but it always ends the same way - arguing about something stupid."

This is what a friend said to me in an email. 
I haven't responded to it yet, I just read it.
My response which follows, would be the rash one. Then I will go tak ea breather, collect my head - and make an "adult" response.


Are you fucking kidding me? I've BECOME so closed off, cold, argumentative, and frigid? None of this is new, I've been called these things for the last x years of my life. You had even said similar things to me before, so... how is this a new development?

Have you suffered some type of memory lapse? I confronted you on why you were ignoring me, and you explained about the distancing. So... what exactly has changed since then?
When have you called me, texted me, emailed me - first in the last... six months? two months? month?

For being such a closed off, frigid, and argumentative bitch - I am astounded at how I would reach out to YOU multiple times in the last month. The last two months.
I would think that if someone were that cold and closed off, they would be unable and unwilling to initiate contact. Wow, I must've suffered a blow to my own brain.

It seems like that conversation that we had, that oh wait - that I INITIATED; a few weeks ago. It doesn't seem like you actually remember it. I know I haven't turned psycho, and  created that whole thing in my head.

If you don't want to be friends anymore, then grow the balls and fucking say so.
I tried ending our friendship not that long ago - and you didn't want to.
So we became friends again. Then you have the nerve to pull this kind of bullshit?
I'm just tempted to cut the losses now.

I honestly don't get all of this bullshit.

-----

Now I need to let it all absorb into my brain, think about it. Then respond like a mature adult.
Rawr.

 Sadly, I'm finding that I'm an angry individual these days.

I'm not entirely sure why. But, there it is.
I get angry over the littlest things it seems

Angry at myself for letting my life become stagnant, and not doing anything about it?
Angry at myself for not making my life be where I want it to be?
Angry that I've got medical issues, and can't do anything about 'em?
Angry at... ?
Angry at not being able to rely on anyone, save for myself? Which I can't even do that it seems?

Then channeling this anger into other things and people?

Aye, I dunno.
But

 When I look back upon my years on this earth... I wonder where they went. What have I done? Where have I been?

I know perfectly well, where I have physically been. Yet where has CHRISTINA been?
I go through the motions, and yet... I'm lost.

I'm overcaring, yet frigid and closed off. The bane of my existence, supposedly.. apparently. Things could be worse, much worse.

I dwell in the past more than I dwell in the present and the future I think. I throw/destroy friendships away like moldy bread. I let them grow stale and watch as they decay and mold. Then I wonder what happened.

How do you become unlost, when it took you years to fully realize that you were lost?

 I think I will be sending out some serious negative karma-jou jou to the world in the next week.

I have today off, then I work the next seven days, then I'm on vacation.. for two days; weekend camping trip.
So I'm going to be taxed as it is, but no; life just couldn't leave it at that. I think I'm beginning to get sick. Which is just going to majorly suck. All thanks to my sister, no doubt.. *hopes it ends quickly*

Yesterday, about the last hour of work - I was feeling ugh. On my way home, I was so close to just ramming the cars in front of me.
I was hungry, tired, my ears hurt - like the onset of ear-aches, I reallyreally needed to unload my bladder, and the cars in front of me were going 10-15 under the posted speed. I was cranky to begin with, and just really wanting to get home, and these stupid people couldn't read the large-ass numbers on the side of the road. *fist shake*

 You have a dining room table. So.. WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU USE IT?!?!?!
Instead, you stand at the kitchen table for almost thirty minutes, eating. No plate.. nothing. Making a fucking mess all over the counter.
Do you clean it up? HELL TO THE NO. Do you put the stuff away that you were eating? HELL TO THE DOUBLE NO.
Kitchen Counter =/= EATING PLACE. SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE KITCHEN WHEN YOU ARE EATING. USE THE TABLE.


People whom I live with who have a serious issue with cleaning up after themselves.
You dirty a dish? ALRIGHT. PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER OR SINK. Don't just LEAVE IT OUT.
You've got garbage? Alright. PUT IT IN THE TRASH CAN.

Load/Empty the dishwasher once in awhile. WIPE OFF THE MESS YOU MADE ON THE FUCKING COUNTER.
you got stuff out? WEre playing with toys. Alright. PUT THEM BACK WHERE THEY BELONG.


UGH. IT is NOT INSANE to think that you can clean up after yourselves. For shit sake. COMMON FUCKING SENSE>
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF A DINING ROOM TABLE, IF YOU NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER USE THE DAMN THING?
JUST THERE TOO LOOK PRETTY?!


*CONTINUES RANTING*

I haven't looked at the Blue Package in a long time - years.
I haven't thought about it, I haven't touched it.

I just got it out, and opened it.
I took the item out... it brings back a lot of memories.
In the past when I thought of it - I always thought about getting rid of it.
I just never made it to the spot to get rid of it.
It would've been such a movie moment.

The spot was where I said my goodbye to Rich.
My own goodbye.
I shouldn't begrudge my favorite spot with such.. pain and heart ache, and sadness.

 I'm having issues gathering the courage to just click the button.
The [Delete Forever] button.

I'm much better at clicking the unofficial delete forever button.

*sigh*

I really both want and need to visit Ape Canyon.

I'm leaving the town of where I work - Newberg. It is about 4pm, on a friday. So I take the back road, otherwise if I went my regular way I'd be sitting in traffic.. for awhile.

So I'm coming to a stop sign (A), about four or five cars are in front of me, all waiting to turn right (the only option.) [refer to picture below]
There are a few cars at stop sign B, waiting to go across the highway.
I'm sitting there at stop sign B, waiting my turn. I think one car moved, since it was firday about 415pm.
I'm looking straight ahead, and all of a sudden two cars crash. I know I saw it happen, but it was so surreal and o.O, that I'm still not entirely sure what happened. So I assume that a car at stop sign B was going across the highway and got hit by a car. So t-boned.
I think that the car that was crossing, got hit with such force that it it ended up flipping on its side. The hitter(?) car had damage to their front. So maybe, the hitter car was actually the one that got hit. And the car that ended up on its side hit the other card with such force that it flipped?


I don't remember.
It happened, I saw it.
I saw a couple of people jump out of their cars and run towards the people inside.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911. I'm telling the operater as much as I can tell them, since I'm still in my car. I tell them pretty much everything I see.
I think from time of accident, time of myself and others calling 911 - I think it took amublances and cops and firetruck to arrive... maybe five minutes I think.

Hard to accurately remember, since it was like "wow", and everything.
I believe there was an off duty nurse whom was driving by. Because I remember seeing this lady come running carrying something, in wha tlooked like something a nurse would wear at a doctor's office - or a dentist. You know, scrubs but not really scrubs. So I assume she was an off duty nurse of some know, whom carries such things with her. Good for her.


I remember looking at my clock in the car at 4:16, and I think that is about the time I was getting to the stop sign. 4:20 I called my sister to let her know I couldn't be chaueffer, as I was momentarily stuck. 4:20 was a minute or two after I hung up with the 911 operator, and officials had already arrived.

4:27 was when I got clear, and was waved around it - to be on my way.

"funny" thing - I saw the cop waving our line of traffic, around the accident. Since it and the fire truck were literally blocking our path. So I started up the car and put it into drive. The steering wheel is not working, and I realize I'm rolling. It must've false started. So I shove it into park from drive and stamp on the E brake. No reason to roll right into the porsche in front me, at an accident site. *facepalm*
When I went to park from drive, it made this HORRIBLE noise. 

 I hate. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE when people agree to a plan.
then the next day, are ambiguous about it.. like "I don't know".

Fucking A. It irritates me to NO END.

I worked the last 12/13 days. So I REALLY wanted to do something fun on my day off before I go back to work again.
So Yesterday I was thinking we could go to the beach today. I propose this idea to my sister. She is all "Yeah we should. I was thinking the same thing".

So today, I ask her.. " I don't know". Which means - no.

Argh. Fuck you bitch. Lazy ass motherfucker.

The only reason I can't go without her, is because my car is in the shop today.

 I just about gave myself a heart attack.. or something.

I'm accustomed to the noises my house makes.
Like, I know when a specfic doors is opening and shutting- because they make their own noises.
Same with the difference when someone is walking in the kitchen, hallway, living room - stuff like that.

So I'm in my room reading, and I hear like the screen door shutting. (It is open because it is hot inside, and cool air outside; and too late for the AC to be on.)
I'm the only one up, so I'm like ... ?
So I go and close my door, and hear someone walking on the carpet.

I'm thinking.. did someone just walk into our house, and not exit when they heard a door shut?

I'm all.. whattodo whattodo... ?

Am I certain someone just walked/broke into our house?
Or is someone else awake, whom I thought was asleep?

So I just stand near my door and listen. I hear mostly nothing but the stupid fish tank, and music from my sister's room.

I turn off my light and shut my computer screen off, since I can look underneath my door and see down the hallway and into the dining room/kitchen.

I'm waiting, listening... heart kind of beating fast.. adrenaline whatever.. getting hot, because it is fucking hot.

I hear floor creaking, like someone is standing in one place.
So I'm debating.. do I think someone just broke in and should I call the police.. or go out and investigate to make sure it isn't someone just up and about, whom I thought was asleep?
Do I call my house number from my cellphone?
Whattodo whattodo.

So, I find this 3/4inch, three foot long wooden dowel in my closet, and a 1.5 foot metal knitting needle.. for uhm arming myself just in case? There was a 2x4 in there, but uhm not exactly grip and swing worthy... easily.

So I ease my door open, and take a step out and listen.
I hear nothing.. but again the stupid fish tank and my sister's music. And floor creakage. From me?
I creep out and down the hallway. Peering to see as much as I can.

Creep down the hallway. See nothing. Go into the kitchen and open the pantry door. Nothing.
check the lock on the back door by the laundry room. Locked.
Turn the kitchen light on.
Check in all possible hiding spots. Nothing.
Open up the unoccupied bedroom doors, turn the lights on. Nothing.

Go towards the screen door and turn the porch light on. Nothing.

Ohkay.. soo maybe it was another person up when I thought they were sleeping?
*shrug*


But hot damn.

You think I care about you?
Guess again.
Because I don't.

 I really just came to this realization today.

Out of my good High School and post high school female friends.
I am almost the only one who is A - not pregnant or has kids and/or B - not married or engaged.

Shi - Baby
Shannon - Married and pregnant
Kriste - Pregnant
Hollie - Married
Adonia - Has been married, two kids
Amy - One kid
Heather H - Married
Amanda L - Married, two/three kids
Athena - One kid I think
Amanda C - ?
BJ - ?
Heather E - Two kids I think

 How do you defend yourself against a seven year-old who runs/lunges at you, kicking, punching, and scratching?

An adult attacking you, no brainer. Defend yourself accordingly.

But how do you do it with a kid?

Does time-out help? No.
Does taking away their precious posessions? No.


Does it matter? No.
Why? Because it is still your fault. Telling them to lose their attitude, makes them worse and to continue on. Consequences mean nothing, because Grandma doesn't discipline or give them boundaries. Telling them to put their snack down and sit in time-out because they are calling you names, makes them go ape-shit and lunge at you like a feral cat.

Result?
I get arms reddened with scratch marks and nail gouges.
The attacker gets an ice cream.



Fuck you too.

I have no reason to apologize to you.
Nor to feel guilty in anyway.

So don't come to me, thinking I owe you an apology.

I didn't do anything to you.
If you don't like what I said, then it really isn't my issue is it?

....
Fuck. I hate boys.
Why can't two people of the opposite sex have a friendship?
Why do so many people think that it isn't possible.
.....


How do you rectify your ownself not letting you be yourself?

.

Caustic to everything I come into contact with. Well, everyone.

 Over. Done. Finito. Adios.
I'm done extending and trying.
Buh Bye. Have a nice life. <-- My last words to you.

 I just finished watching this movie. When I put it in my queue on NetFlix, I thought - okay. A documentary, it could be interesting.

HOLY SHIT BALLS ON A FISHSTICK.
I feel as if I've been emotionally raped.

I don't like to admit it, but I cry. I get teary eyed at sad and/or tragic movies or situations.

I was teary eyed by the first fifteen-twenty minutes.
Free falling by the halfway point.
Towards the end, I was dry eyed and hopeful of the story - the hopeful happy ending.
Then.
KAPOWH!
W... T... F....

Newfoundland, you have some 'esplaining to do!!!

This seems familar for some reason. I think I did this on Facebook awhile ago. Ah well. xD


 The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
1a) Color green those you've seen as movies; regardless of having read them or not. (my own addition)
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)



1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell 
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot 
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy 
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen 
36 The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo (en français)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown 
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood 
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (en français)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville 
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (en français)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams 
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare 
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I may have read some on the list, yet I can't recall the story. xD

 I am an avid dreamer.
I try to remember them.
Sometimes it is successful and sometimes not.
I think the most 'normal' seeming ones, are those which stay in my head the longest. Unless I remember to write it down somewhere - trying to recall as many details as possible.

Last night, I had a few dreams. I only really remember one.
When, for whatever reason I am awoken before the dream finishes - and it is an entertaining or interesting one - I'm always 'go back to sleep quickly, hopefully the dream will continue on'. Though it actually rarely happens. Irksome when you are stirred out of your dreams.

I was marrying a friend in my dream.
Hadn't actually gotten to the 'altar' yet.
It was before, the motions leading up to - the day of.
I was making everyone late. Ahaha.
The last thing I really remember, is that it was walking down the aisle time. And I was making the schedule late. I woke up, or finished the dream and not remembering. I assume I woke up, but I can't remember what for.
I remember it was in some hotel or something. I remember walking out of one of the rooms.
As far as I can recall, I think it is the only marital related dream I've had.
Though, I've had a gazillion dreams - so no idea.

I'm usually more disturbed by the 'normal' dreams. For the most part, I would classify them as nightmares I suppose.
What others would call nightmares, I would call dreams.
Messed up much?
Then again, the dreams which are 'normal', ehmm... hit closer to home?